It’s too late to ‘pologize

For no reason whatsoever, I’ve been thinking about old boyfriends. I’ve even found 3 or 4 of them on MySpace, but I would NEVER send a friend request because (a) i’m not HAWT like I used to be (b) for the ones I’ve wronged, I feel that they don’t need ME turning up like a bad penny. (c) I’m a chicken. I fear (friend) rejection from the men I’ve rejected.

So here’s my apologies. And a few fuck yous. Kind of like this scene from Half Baked

Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! You’re Cool, and Fuck You! I’m Out!

But I digress (names replaced with character names from Weeds, just because):

Judah: I’m sorry I never actually TOLD you I wanted to break up. I just kind of moved on. Even at 16, that was shitty of me. You were nothing but good to me, and you deserved better. I hope you found it.

Silas: You and I were not a right fit from the start. Even though I said “I love you, too” I knew that I didn’t. You had such concrete ideas about the path our lives should take at 18, and they were just too small for me. Sorry. I hear you are married with a son and have a successful business. Congratulations, I’m proud of you.

Guillermo: FUCK YOU! You are a scumbag and if I never see you again it will be too soon. I’m sorry that I trusted you and believed your lies. You are the biggest regret of my life.

Doug: Oh man, I know I hurt you. I just didn’t feel what you felt. And I knew from the start that I never would. I never should have let it get past a working relationship. I hope you are well.

Dean: I could write a book. I am sorry that I couldn’t be honest with you about how I felt about you sooner. I should have told you I had feelings for you, and then I would have known how you felt about me before it was too late. I thought we just had a “physical” relationship, and I didn’t want to break our agreement. I regret that I was too cowardly to just end it with you honestly. I feel terrible that I caused you more pain during an already painful time in your life. You deserved so much better. I saw your MySpace page, and you still look great. Don’t worry, I won’t contact you. I think it’s for the best that I stay out of your life. I’ll always think of you every time I’m on Rt 17 in Paramus, though.

Conrad: I have nothing to apologize to you for. I gave my all to our relationship, and I have no regrets. Except that I should have known it was “breakup sex” and NOT that we were back together. It’s funny, I know you felt stifled that I wanted a commitment, but what I’ve come to realize is that YOU were limiting ME. I wish I’d realized that at the time, I could have saved myself a lot of tears. I’m sure our paths will never cross again, especially because you were planning on moving to Florida, but I wish you nothing but the best.

Random Nameless Match.com guys: I may have blown you off for trivial reasons, like your voice sounded whiny. I may have avoided your phone calls. Or stood you up, then broke up with you over email the next day. Sorry, I suck. I was going through a phase where I went on a lot of first dates. But I’m sure you had lots of other women to keep you busy. Thanks for paying for all those dinners, shows, movies and drinks! Sorry it had to be that way, but I found my true love. Someone who GETS me. And now we are married with a beautiful daughter. So for me, the journey was all worth it. Sorry if it was at your expense.

The Highlander: Thank You for loving me. I kissed a lot of frogs until I found you.

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1991: I had knee surgery this year, and finally got back to school in April. My parents and I visited the Grand Canyon in Pennsylvania over the summer. We honestly had no place better to go! We pretty much hiked to the bottom and hiked back up again, then ate dinner and came home. In the fall, I went out for soccer again, but I quit before the season started because I just wasn’t ready physically. In September, I started 9th grade. We went on a field trip to go Whale Watching in Boston, and MY MOTHER chaperoned. I made her ride on a different bus so I could make out with the guy I was “going out” with for the whole trip. I got good grades and dreamed of the day I could leave my podunk little town. I was an insufferable smarty pants know it all.