Here are 2 gems from SNL, via hulu.com (linked in case hulu videos don’t embed)

I’m honestly surprised that this product does not yet exist.

But if you didn’t moisturize your coin slot, don’t fret! Just wear some MOM Jeans!

I am so extraordinarily overwhelmed at work right now, I don’t have a good reason why I’m taking 5 minutes to write this. Maybe because I want you all to stroke my hair and tell me my ass looks great in these dress pants.

Unless that’s too creepy. In that case, tell me I suck and kick me in the balls.

I’m flexible.

I hate hate hate my gym. It’s not just that I hate to exercise, (not strictly true, I just hate any exercise that can be had in a gym), but I hate the stupid assholes who go to my gym. And I hate the “clubby” music. MUST we hear this much techno? My GOD.

But the piece de resistance, it that the fucking personal trainer shit is getting wonky again. Maybe you remember, and good for you if you can’t, my wonderful history with these assholes who are great at taking my money, but not so  great at showing up for appointments. They are also very cliquish with their appointment scheduling, as in only the people who no one wants leave appts available to schedule online.

I’m also not crazy about a bunch of the trainers. There’s the agressive guy that thinks everyone needs to be pushed HARD, who leaves me sore for a week, there’s the bimbo who talks on her cell, and the douchebag who thinks he’s a “nutritionalist” [sic]. This guy actually told me that I couldn’t eat chicken because of the estrogen. But turkey is fine. OK, first of all, I am a pre-menopausal woman. Don’t I have estrogen?? And don’t female turkeys have estrogen too? I don’t know about you, but I am not examining the junk on my Boar’s Head turkey. How could I know the gender of my sandwich?

Anyway, I found a guy who seemed cool. And his name is GEORGE MICHAEL. Come on, how awesome is that? And it was all fine until he double booked me on Friday, and then tried to lie that he’d booked me for 7, when it really was 6:30. And he wasn’t even apologetic, he was defensive and snotty which REALLY pissed me off.

GRR! Right now I have 10 accumulated sessions, with 2 more being charged on 5/21.

I give up, I’m going to McDonald’s for lunch today, and I’ve resolved to stay fat. Fuck this noise, man.

Last year, I was sentimental. This year, not so much.

Last night, I managed to shampoo my daughter’s hair without traumatizing her. GO ME! I don’t know what it is, she just doesn’t like it. In a similar vein, I have NO IDEA what I did right today. And now that she’s a “big girl” who thinks “baths are for babies”, it get completely misted standing outside the shower trying to wash her.

Like Mona, I always seem to see movies like an embarrassingly long time after everyone else. So, in that spirit, I have some thoughts in my pretty little head about Juno.

At first, I almost shut it off. The whiny hipster speak, along with the precious indie soundtrack was a leetle, um, I don’t know, UNDERGRAD, for me. Although I was won over by “Honest to Blog?” and I thought Michael Cera was A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E, and the casting of Juno’s parents (JK Simmons and Allison Janney) were absolutely prefect.

So what eating me, you ask? It’s the pro-life groups “claiming” this movie as their own. OMFG this is SO missing the point. Juno CHOSE to continue her pregnancy. She CHOSE adoption. Can’t we be pro-choice and still choose to give birth?

Except for the 10 year age difference (I was 26) and the snappy comebacks (I have NONE), my situation was quite similar.

My pregnancy was *ahem* unplanned. Like I just signed a lease renewal on a studio apartment 40 miles away from The Highlander unplanned. Sure, we’d talked about marriage, but we figured there was plenty of time for that, because we’d only been dating three months.

Then BAM! comes 2 pink lines. I was scared shitless. And I was in a pretty OK place, relatively speaking. I was 26, had my own apartment, a job, a stable relationship, not addicted to drugs, etc, and yet I still thought, “What have I done?”

I’m willing to admit that I considered abortion. As afraid as I was, I knew I didn’t want to. But I forced myself to think about it, and I kept coming up with the same answer. I chose to continue the pregnancy. The Highlander and I chose to raise her. I knew then that if I hadn’t made those choices I would have regretted it the rest of my days. I”chose life”. But that doesn’t make me a “pro-lifer”. I don’t pat myself on the back for it either. It was a selfish choice. I followed my heart.

Leaving aside the political rhetoric, yes, I have nothing against “life”. Unless those lives grow up to annoy me. (Just kidding). I don’t go around wearing “I Heart Abortion” T-shirts. Likewise, I don’t assume that MY choice is the ONLY choice. If a friend chose an abortion, I’d drive her. I’d likewise throw a baby shower if she chose to raise the child.

I have respect for other’s beliefs. I can still be your friend even if you don’t believe in a flying spaghetti monster. And I TRY HARD to respect peoples choices in all things. And being on the internet as much as I am, I do read about a lot of different choices. Some make me nod my head in agreement, and some make my yell at my computer screen, but that’s as far as it goes.

Except if your clothes are ugly or you act like a total dillhole, all bets are off, I let the expletives fly.

…baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We’ll find a place where the sun still shines

-“Always” by Bon Jovi

So that’s it, I’m back, baby. Forget what you ever thought you knew about me. I want to find a place where the sun still shines for this blog. Things were getting a lot little out of hand, but I think I’m making the right choice not to throw in the towel. If you come with me, of course. I’m not promising posts on any set schedule, BUT, I do promise that this is my blog and I’ll say what I want. Because It’s MY Life.

Kisses!

Is it weird that I am as excited to go see My Little Pony Live! as Ducky is? Nah, I didn’t think so either. I get to bring my daughter to Manhattan for the first time! Plus, My Little Pony was my “thing” as a kid.

The Wicked Witch Woman in my office got FIRED today!

I’d never wish it on anyone (even her), and I’m going to end up with a lot more work, but………YAY! My work experience just got a zillion times more pleasant.

i said i wasn’t going to post all month. don’t tell anybody, but tax seaason is fucking overr and i just drank a bottle of wine to celebrarte. it was reallly good. new york pinot noir.

sorry fur oall the typos, wil ll be removed by the srunk asshole removval squad, like soon.

kissy kisses. miss oyu guys,.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!

ps i want a fecking cigarette so bad…………..